I'm Fine a Poem by Crystal Raen

I’m Fine.

Those words are like poison

Vitriol to me.

A lie told to hide the shame

The shame of vulnerability.

My life is perfect

Envious to many.

To be depressed

                                Or stressed

                                                                Or angry

Would be spitting in the face of my blessings.

So I hold them in.

These worries

                                These fears

                                                                This anger.

And I hold on to my life

                                           My loves

                                                                My dreams

With fingers so tightly

That I’m afraid it will all shatter

Into tiny pieces

To the floor around me

Revealing my biggest fear

That it was all an illusion

And I

I was undeserving

Undeserving of the love

Of a good man.

Undeserving of my child

So beautiful and full of life

That it makes my heart ache

From the love that I have for her.

Undeserving of anything.

                                        Other than loss

                                                                Than fear

                                                                                Than worry

But that worry,

No matter how bright my days

Or how full my heart is

That worry sits there

Nibbling away at my happiness

Feeding my fears

And my anger grows.

Anger at myself

For not enjoying each moment

For not reveling in the happiness that is my reality

Anger at not being good enough to deserve these blessings

Tears burn at the backs of my eyes

A friend stops me to say

                                                “Hello”

To ask

                “How are you?”

“I’m fine.” My reply

“I’m fine.”